


When I'm Alone

by lovewashisname



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Drug Use, M/M, depressed tsukki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-24 22:40:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10751262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovewashisname/pseuds/lovewashisname
Summary: Tsukishima Kei is fragile, and Yamaguchi Tadashi is broken.Together they are a disaster.-- Dysfunctional TsukkiYama





	1. Chapter 1

Tsukishima Kei was fragile.

He knew how to smirk, how to be rude, how to be sarcastic and irritate others. These were all easy things. He did them without trying, for the most part. Because if he didn't cover up his faults with sarcasm and bluntness, what would he cover them up with?

He couldn't act excited the way Hinata did, fake smiles the way Oikawa did or be quiet the way Kenma was. In fact, Tsukki saw all of these things as coping mechanisms. He considered that, for the most part, emotions were a coping mechanism for life.

So whilst he annoyed people, snickered at them and acted as though others were an inconvenience to him, his heart fluttered and stomach turned. This was a sign of weakness, supposedly. It was something wrong, he told himself.

So whilst his boyfriend got by on soft smiles and gentle shyness, he did the same with his coldness and disrespect.

Yamaguchi Tadashi was broken.

His smiles were sweet, his words soft-spoken and his actions gentle. He clung to his boyfriend like a lifeline, relying on his closed-off personality. He kept quiet, kept calm, and was never outgoing.

This was, he thought, a way to defend himself. He acted fragile, to keep away questions, prying eyes and listening ears. Easier to remain unseen rather than have to hide, after all.

But the truth was that broken things were not fragile. They were sharp and dangerous, cutting people who tried to touch them, tried to fix them. The same went for people, and the same went for Yamaguchi.

Hearts that did not beat could not be broken. As long as this remained true, he wouldn't be hurt.

*

"Yamaguchi?" Suga called, his voice gentle. He was worried, and it showed in his expression and in his voice. Yamaguchi couldn't help but think that Suga should be worried. At the same time, his stomach dropped, and he was overcome with a sickly feeling of anxiety.

"Yes?" he replied, turning to look at the worried setter. He knew what he looked like. Unkempt hair, red eyes, pale skin and dark circles under his eyes. Even Tsukki had asked if he was okay. It was his own mistake for not being sober by the time he had to come to school.

"You don't look so good," Suga said, making his way over to him. The taller third year put a gentle hand on his shoulder. Yamaguchi looked at him for a moment before giggling softly. Of course he didn't look good – he'd already seen his reflection.

Now, more than one person turned to look at him. Ukai, Daichi and Ennoshita all looked vaguely concerned. Yamaguchi rubbed his eyes, standing up. He looked at Suga for a while with sleepy eyes. "Sorry," he said, his voice quiet and a little rough. "I'm just tired... And hungry."

Tsukki watched him with wide, curious eyes. He knew what was wrong. He'd told Yamaguchi the night before, his voice gentle, shaking, that he shouldn't smoke before school. He knew Yamaguchi wouldn't listen. He'd told him anyway, just for the reassurance that he'd tried.

Suga frowned. "Yamaguchi, give me your hand," he said firmly, his voice blunt and cold. Yamaguchi laughed softly, putting his hands behind his back. There was nothing funny about this, and he knew it. He wanted to laugh all the same.

"Tadashi," Daichi said, glaring at the skinny first year. It was now, that everyone stared and noticed, that they realised things. He'd lost weight, he was paler, his fingers were yellowed and the dark circles under his eyes had been there for several days. "Give him your hand."

Yamaguchi's mood visibly changed, the smile dropping from his lips, and he began to shake. He looked to Tsukki, his bottom lip quivering. "I don't want to," he said softly, pressing his hands against his thighs.

"Yamaguchi-"

"Hey, back off," Tsukki said suddenly. The room's attention shifted to the taller boy. He felt his heart flutter with nervousness. He knew he shouldn't defend the small, freckled boy. He knew this was wrong. But when Yamaguchi looked at him with wide eyes and shaking hands, he couldn't leave him undefended.

"I'd say if something was going on, wouldn't I?" he reasoned, looking from Suga to Daichi and back again. "He just didn't sleep last night and was sick this morning. Maybe he just needs the day off."

Yamaguchi's eyes brimmed with tears. He nodded and pressed the heel of his hand against his eye. Suga glared at the two of them before sighing softly. "Go change," he said, his voice still firm and cold. "Wait for us in the club room."

Yamaguchi nodded and was gone, leaving Tsukki feeling guilty like he'd killed someone's child. He knew that he should've said something, should've told them that he'd been smoking. But he couldn't. Yamaguchi would never tell on him for anything. He shouldn't either.

*

"Tsukki, why've you got scratches on your stomach?" Hinata asked curiously. He watched as the taller boy flushed red, quickly pulling on a t-shirt to cover the scars on his stomach. He glared at Hinata.

"None of your business," he said bluntly. He smoothed a hand over his t-shirt, frowning. He had to be more careful when he changed clothes, especially in front of the other first years. He sighed, shoving his stuff into his bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

"What scratches?"

Tsukki looked up to see Daichi watching the three first years, a small frown on his lips. He swore softly, his stomach tying knots as he thought of what might happen. "Tsukki has scratches on his stomach," Kageyama said, glancing at Tsukki.

"Yeah?" Daichi asked, his voice cold. "Why've you got scratches on your stomach?" Tsukki's cheeks flushed red with shame. He placed a hand flat over his stomach, falling back to the excuse he'd used with his older brother.

"I was playing with my cat," he mumbled, pushing past Hinata and Kageyama. "See you tomorrow."

He was gone again, and just like Yamaguchi, nobody bothered to follow.

*

It was a Tuesday morning. They should've been at volleyball practice. They would have been, if Tsukki hadn't had a breakdown earlier that night, or if Yamaguchi hadn't smoked after waking up. Then they would have been at practice.

Tsukki curled up into Yamaguchi's side, his thighs on show, even though they were littered with angry red cuts. He breathed softly, his palm against Yamaguchi's chest where he could feel his steady, gentle heartbeat.

Yamaguchi was covered in the sickly sweet smell of marijuana, a joint between his middle and forefinger. He blew the smoke through chapped lips, his arm around Tsukki. It was warm, for April, the sun shining and warming their bare arms and legs.

Yamaguchi smiled, turning to look at Tsukki, who watched the clouds in the sky as though they might fall at any moment. "Hey, Tsukki?" he murmured softly, his voice sleepy and slurred. Tsukki's wide, golden eyes flicked up to look at Yamaguchi, who blew out another lungful of smoke.

"Yeah?" Tsukki replied, cuddling closer into Yamaguchi's side, curling up to make himself smaller. Yamaguchi took a while before replying, dragging on the joint a few more times. Tsukki noted how the skin of his fingertips was yellowed from smoking. He couldn't find it within himself to care.

"I love you, Tsukki," Yamaguchi said, sighing out the words as though they were just another lungful of smoke. He turned to look at Tsukki and grinned, giggling softly. Tsukki watched this play out, picking at some of the cuts on his thighs.

"I know," he said softly, his voice tired. "I love you too." He smiled, watching as Yamaguchi put out the cigarette on the grass next to him. He sighed, turning on his side to face Tsukki. He gently brushed his yellowed fingertips over Tsukki's cheeks, the scent of coffee and cigarettes and grass spilling over his skin.

Tsukki watched his bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes trail over his face, watched as his constellations of freckles shifted when he smiled or sighed. He admired and took note of every detail he could, mapping the surface of his lover's face.

"You're beautiful," Yamaguchi murmured, his voice gentle and lulling. Tsukki reached forward, brushing his fingertip over Yamaguchi's chapped, bleeding lips. He sighed and leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to them, letting Yamaguchi cup his cheek sweetly. It was much too affectionate for the quiet, fragile pair. And yet, it was also much too perfect.

*

It was halfway through practice when Daichi realised. He looked up, looked over his team, and frowned. The same kind of worry he'd felt when Yamaguchi had been red-eyed and when Hinata had mentioned the cuts on Tsukki's stomach embedded itself in his veins. "Suga!"

The gentle, doe-eyed setter looked up, glancing over to him. Daichi gestured to the team, and Suga looked around. He didn't understand what Daichi was trying to communicate. Then he noticed Ennoshita, Kinoshita and Narita. His eyes widened.

"Where are Yamaguchi and Tsukki?" he asked, his voice loud and firm. He looked over to Kageyama and Hinata, who looked vaguely surprised and curious. Kageyama shook his head and Hinata shrugged. Anxiousness seemed to strangle him, making his throat tight and his stomach flip.

Ennoshita tapped his arm gently. Suga turned and looked at him, his eyes wide with worry. "I saw Yamaguchi behind the school," he said, nervously scratching the back of his head. "You know, where there's grass, and an ice cream place not far from there."

Suga looked sceptical for a moment before nodding. He turned, gesturing for Daichi to follow him. As they walked, Suga complained, holding onto Daichi's hand tightly. His fingers and nails dug into Daichi's skin, making him worry.

Ennoshita was right, and the pair found the two first years easily. They were curled up together on a patch of grass, placid expressions on both their faces. They were silent, and Suga was sure that the world could end right then, and the two would be happy to die in each other's arms.

"Tsukishima and Yamaguchi," Daichi said loudly, his voice firm, and yet full of concern. "What are you doing?" He watched as the pair slowly noticed that they weren't alone, whispering to eachother.

They weren't dressed for practice, or for school. They were dressed for sun-bathing, wearing short shorts and t-shirts, worn running shoes on their feet. Suga winced softly when Yamaguchi giggled, sitting up straight.

It was strange, he thought, to see them like this. It was always Yamaguchi who stood behind Tsukki, seeming smaller no matter what. But now, with Tsukki curled up into his side whilst he laughed and stroked the other's blond hair, Tsukki seemed much more fragile than him.

It was then that they saw the joint Yamaguchi was holding. They watched him drag on it before blowing out a lungful of smoke. He put it out on the grass beside him. Suga opened his mouth to talk, but no words came out. It was such a careless action, to have continued to smoke even when they were there, but Yamaguchi had done it with a placid smile on his face. Careless. 

Tsukki sat up, and he was once again bigger than Yamaguchi. But he leaned against the freckled boy, his head dropping to lean on his shoulder. He wasn't bigger than Yamaguchi, or stronger. Not at all.

"You guys should be at practice," Daichi said, walking over to where they were. He sat down beside the pair, watching their expressions switch. Tsukki looked vaguely concerned, almost remorseful, his wide, tired, gold eyes glancing from Suga to Daichi. Yamaguchi, though, smiled sleepily at the captain, his bloodshot eyes blank and unexpressive.

"We were too messy last night," Yamaguchi said, the smile never leaving his lips. "I wasn't sober in time and Tsukki wasn't careful enough.." He dropped a gentle hand onto Tsukki's thigh, fingers brushing over the cuts.

Suga frowned. He sat in front of them and placed his hand on Yamaguchi's knee. "What do you mean sober?" he asked desperately. He knew exactly what he meant – the smell stuck to his skin, hurting his nostrils and making his throat tight. He knew, because Yamaguchi's eyes were red, and his fingertips yellow, and the smell was stuck to his skin.

"I mean, I smoked right before school," Yamaguchi said, smiling at him. Suga shut his eyes, breathing shakily. But the thick, heavy scent of cannabis clouded his mind. Daichi lay his hand between Suga's shoulder blades, gently running his thumb over the bone that stuck out.

"And what about Tsukki?" Daichi asked, his voice firm, unlike Suga's. Tsukki looked up now, before straightening out his legs. The cuts were thick and scattered up and down his legs. They were angry and red, some of them having been picked at, whilst others were already healing. Daichi sighed loudly, exasperatedly.

"Sorry," Tsukki said dully. He turned his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Yamaguchi's chin. Yamaguchi giggled softly and nuzzled his nose against Tsukki's lips, earning a sweet kiss. Daichi watched this play out with concern written all over his face.

Suga stood up, breathing shakily. "Go home. Clean up. Rest. Don't do anything stupid and we'll take care of it tomorrow," he said, his voice firm. "Now."

*

It was two am. Tsukki was screaming and crying, his shaking hands barely able to grab onto his phone. He dialled the only number he knew he could trust. His shaking fingers found Daichi's number and he sobbed loudly, hiccuping as he clung to Yamaguchi's limp hand.

His heart hammered in his chest, and he was sure he would throw up. Every second that Daichi didn't answer took years to pass, and Tsukki felt himself grow more and more panicked.

"Tsukishima..?" Daichi's sleep-rough voice answered from the other end. Tsukki instantly began to scream at him, his words incomprehensible. He should wait for Daichi to wake up properly. He could wait, couldn't wait, wouldn't wait.

"Tsukki, I don't understand!" Daichi shouted, and Tsukki could hear Suga's voice asking what was wrong, was everything okay, and oh my god, was Yamaguchi okay?

"He w-won't wake up! Daichi, help me, he won't wake up!" Tsukki screamed, his hand cradling the side of Yamaguchi's slack face. His tears pattered onto Yamaguchi's chest, his shaking hand barely managing to hold the phone. "I don't know what he tripped on, he won't wake up!"

Daichi's eyes widened and suddenly Tsukki could hear panic where he was. "Okay, Tsukki, you have to call an ambulance," he said firmly. "Call an ambulance right now. Me and Suga will be there in five minutes, okay?" Tsukki sobbed loudly, nodding as he clung to Yamaguchi.

"Daichi, what if he dies? What do I do, Daichi?" he asked, his voice loud, broken, shaking. For the first time in his life, Tsukki wished he'd been able to stop Yamaguchi.


	2. Chapter 2

Daichi pulled up his car outside Tsukki's house. An ambulance was parked outside already, lights flashing brightly. He slammed the car door shut, running to the doorway, Suga not far behind him. His heartbeat hammered in his throat, and for a moment, he was sure he was going to pass out.

"Tsukki!" Suga shouted. Now that Daichi glanced at him, he realised he was crying, tears rolling down his chin and past his neck. "Tsukishima!" The door was flung open, but not by Tsukki.

Ambulance personell pushed past Daichi and Suga, carrying a stretcher. The smell that came from Yamaguchi's body made Daichi gag. Blood and vomit stained the loose sweater he was wearing, and the same sickly scent of cannabis rolled off his skin.

It took not two seconds for Tsukki to rush out after the paramedics, tears streaming down his cheeks, sobs racking his frame. As soon as he saw Suga and Daichi, he stumbled forward, clinging to Suga. He sobbed messily against his shoulder, choking out incomprehensible words.

"Tsukki, what happened?" Daichi asked, watching the two of them cry against each other. Tsukki shook his head and uttered out something he couldn't hear. He watched the ambulance drive away. "Come on. We have to go."

*

It took a long time to convince Tsukki to stop crying. And even then, he sniffled quietly and could hardly talk. Daichi wondered why Yamaguchi would take drugs that he hadn't used before, unless he meant to overdose. But as soon as he thought it, he wished he hadn't. Because what if Yamaguchi wanted to overdose?

"LSD," the doctor said. Tsukki sobbed softly, putting his head in his hands. He sat in one of the most uncomfortable plastic chairs in the waiting room, hoping that maybe, his Yamaguchi would be okay.

"Do you know if he could have, maybe, purposely overdosed?" Daichi asked. It was a horrible question, and he watched as Tsukki's eyes widened and filled with pain and tears. He watched the disbelief wash over Suga, his mouth dropping open.

The doctor nodded, glancing at Tsukki momentarily. "It's likely," he said. "Although, if it had been his first time taking LSD, it may have been a mistake." Daichi relaxed a little and nodded. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

He'd never thought that just because one of his teammate's parents were out of town, he'd have to take care of them. But now, watching the way Tsukki shook, considering that maybe, his boyfriend wanted to have died, he was glad he could help.

As soon as the doctor was gone, Suga began to speak. "No more drugs," he said quietly. "No more smoking, no more cutting. Okay?" He looked at Tsukki, who nodded, a stray tear falling down his cheek. He hugged his knees and tried desperately to calm himself.

Yamaguchi would be okay. He was sure he would be. He had to be. "He'll be fine, right?" he asked, his voice cracking. "He's going to be fine." Daichi said nothing, and Tsukki felt his stomach drop. He'd been irresponsible and careless. He hadn't asked about the pills on the coffee table. He hadn't cared.

*

"He's had his stomach pumped," the doctor said, smiling sweetly at the trio of shaking, tired boys. She'd dealt with people who'd overdosed by accident, or people who'd binged on drugs they hadn't taken before. She hadn't dealt with a sixteen year old with a stomach full of LSD, and three teenagers who were taking care of their friend.

"But," she continued sweetly. "He's awake now, and everything should be okay. Although we'll have to talk about rehabilitation later on." Tsukki nodded guiltily, sniffling softly. His eyes were red, just the way Yamaguchi's were most of the time.

 

The doctor left them, leaving them outside Yamaguchi's hospital room door. Nobody wanted to go inside. Neither of them were strong or brave enough. If they had been, this likely wouldn't have happened.

"We should go in," Suga said quietly, glancing at Daichi. The grey-haired setter hugged him tightly, barely able to stay standing, or stay awake at all. It was seven am. They were all exhausted.

Tsukki shut his eyes and opened the door, sighing softly before looking up.

And he was there. He was alive, he was breathing and he grinned when he saw Tsukki, tears spilling down his cheeks and apologies spilling from his lips.

"I'm sorry Tsukki, I'm sorry," he repeated over and over, wiping away tears with the heel of his hand. Tsukki was instantly by his side, holding him close.

The two cried together, holding onto eachother as tightly as they could. Neither of them broken enough to hurt the other, or fragile enough to break. Just scared to lose eachother.

"Don't ever leave me again. I can't live without you. I was so scared, Tadashi, I don't want you to die. When I'm alone I only think of you, please don't leave me alone again..!"

"I promise, I won't leave you alone, Kei."

"I love you, Tadashi..."

"I love you too."


End file.
